


♣but a lot of love is a kind of solitude♠

by Laeana



Series: to win, to lose, to find [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Angst and Humor, Battle Couple, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Feelings, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Reality TV, Sexual Tension, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:55:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27231595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: A Reality TV.Lando never thought he would take part in, even worse, he was mocking those.But then George and Alex sign him up for the show.With Max's help, he'll try to find the way to Carlos' heart, but how can he believe in those feelings when everything seems so ... fake ?
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo & Carlos Sainz, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris & Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr, Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc
Series: to win, to lose, to find [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2014477
Comments: 38
Kudos: 54





	1. dare?

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [A 12M Choice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21585739) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



“ **Welcome for this new episode ! After the statements of the last week, the tension is more than present within the villa. Who of our singles will be the happy winner of the situation? Let's find out right away with-** ”

Lando shakes his head, turns off the television. There is no point in watching this. Beside him, Alex and George are giving him mocking looks.

— What ?

— I bet you wouldn't have the courage to sign up for a show like this.

— Not the ..! Of course I would !

— For that it would be necessary to already accept your bisexuality or ... whatever you call it.

He sighs loudly, buries his head in his arms. These two are his best friends, eh ? He should have chosen them better.

— A new show will open ! Much less attentive to private life, they provide remuneration and the cast is ... entirely male. Wouldn't you like to try it ?

— I'll think about it.

— Hurry, the casting will not be open for long. What have you got to lose ? You could find yourself a boyfriend and, if you don't, at least meet people.

He nods.

In the evening, this idea weighed on him all day, he does not go live and talks quietly with his friend, Max, with whom he often streams. They never saw each other in person but vocally and on video.

— I don't know what to do.

— Actually ... a friend signed me up. I will surely go there. Could be an opportunity to see each other ?

Apparently, they have the same kind of friends. He laughs softly.

— Are you going reluctantly ?

— No choice. He is obsessed with the fact that I need to find myself a boyfriend who supports me. He can't take any more of me. It begins in two weeks.

— Ow. I'll go for you then. I don't expect much.

— With so little optimism, one might be surprised !

They exchange a smile. It doesn't matter. When he hangs up, he realizes that he has just decided to do something absurd, beyond everything he condones. He always found reality TV stupid.

Participate ? He can be shy around strangers, incredibly daring with those he gets to know. He doesn't know if it's a good thing. Or if it will lead to his downfall.

  
  


Two weeks later, he is nervous as he disembarks from the airport. No sooner has he taken a few steps in the hall then someone jumps into his arms. Well, "jump into his arms". Max is ten centimeters taller than him easily, so he is unbalanced.

— I'm so glad to see you.

— Me too, Maxy.

They discuss until having reached the exit where a taxi awaits them to lead them to the villa. He is not reassured. The presence of his friend by his side helps the situation a little.

They are greeted on a film set entrance and walk past the crowd to find a smiling manager.

— Boys ! Nice to see you. Max and Lando I presume ? Some have already arrived, you will be able to meet them. More generally, for the show, we try to be as natural as possible about your reactions. The goal is to forget about the cameras.

They nod. Lando bites his lip anyway. He is not sure whether he can directly feel comfortable.

— We can give you instructions along the way, nothing for now. There will be events during the season, you will be surprised to discover them. Of course, this show being a Love Story ...

Max squeezes his hand with force, he can feel his comrade's discomfort.

— ... the goal is still for you to find love ! Stay assured, of course you have the right to be detached. We have all kinds of profiles. You will have the right to place your crush from the first days. If ever your interests are common, your checkline is launched and you could access activities for couples. Try to get to know the candidates as much as possible so as not to regret your choice. With that, welcome to Love of Fame !

The first thought that comes to him is that although he has seen villas in his life, this one is huge. The living room expands. Boys are seated. His gaze glides over everyone without really stopping. They turned around curiously to watch them arrive.

There is one among them, one who finally catches his attention. A dark-haired man, quite tall, casually positioned, appearing to have perhaps Hispanic origins ? The latter gives him a brilliant smile that he can't help but respond to before lowering his head, feeling his cheeks heat up.

Some roommates approach them fairly quickly, with an apparent desire to do well and introduce themselves. While others plunged back into a fairly dense discussion.

The first is one that simply presents itself. His name is Pierre and doesn't look much older than them. His accent reveals a nationality that he indicates French. The second is a friendly looking blond boy named Kevin from Denmark.

Among those still seated, next to the one who deigned to ogle him, are a well-dressed mestizo with visible piercings, a brunette with a bright smile and sunglasses and a younger man with slightly crazy brown hair and light eyes.

Behind them, two people arrive but Lando does not have time to detail them well as members of the staff enter the room.

They must set themselves up for a general presentation of them. No, no, it is not them who introduce themselves, they are introduced. On display. And that makes him very uncomfortable. 

Each on a small plinth. In front of him, a bit further, his "crush" smiles at him and that reassures him a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah just started to translate that, hope you'll like it ! :)


	2. disappointment

— Hello everyone and welcome to Love of Fame ! The principle is simple, ten candidates at stake, one goal: to find love. But such a concept could get boring, right ?

The presenter winks at the camera knowingly, seeming to maintain an almost perfect play of her voice with her heavily applied mascara.

— Over the couples formed and the activities they will perform, you can vote for the one that convinces you the most ! The winning couple will win the tidy sum of 12 million euros.

His eyes widen. Wait, what ? He was not aware of this ! 12 millions ? But it's huge !

— Let us now move on to the presentation of the candidates.

When the speaker moves to the podium to her far right, Lando understands with a certain horror that he will be presented last.

— If his face tells you something, it’s not trivial. Present on the world stages, British, known for his clear opinion and his taste for fashion, Lewis Hamilton, 34 years old, model !

It is the mestizo he saw sooner who greets the cameras with an elegant gesture, accustomed to spotlights.

— Does French glamor speak to you ? Here is a man who lacks neither charm nor rigor since he is a lawyer, Romain Grosjean, 33 years old !

It must be one of the two people he couldn't see since his face don’t tell him anything, he stands straight, one hand on his hip.

— Simple but effective, here is a man of few words but many feelings. Finnish, Formula 1 mechanic and 30 years old, Valtteri Bottas !

And this must be the second he could not see. The latter has a closed face but fairly calm eyes and doesn't seem to care the least bit about being filmed.

— A devastating face, a smile more than recognizable, you know it ladies and gentlemen. Known for his good mood and his legendary humor, here is our actor Daniel Ricciardo, 30 years old !

This stranger seems very nice, solar, from what he can see and the beaming smile he offers to the camera.

— A warm heart, a soul full of kindness, he is Danish, coach for a very young football team and is looking for someone with whom to share his daily life. Here is Kevin Magnussen, 26 years old !

Coach ? He wouldn't have guessed his profession at first.

— Set it on fire, this Spaniard knows how to do it. Will it ignite the heart of one of our participants ? You have already danced to at least one of his songs this summer, here is the DJ of our competition, Carlos Sainz, 25 years old !

Carlos ... he goes over this name several times in his head. He likes it. Much. Maybe a little too much. Wouldn't that be love at first sight ? He wouldn't dare.

— And we continue with our four students ! Another Frenchy in the race. Serious ? He definitely is since he is among the best. Aspiring journalist, 23 years old, here is Pierre Gasly !

He got it right by saying he was apparently close to their age. He doesn't seem nervous, trying to put on a good face.

— Why not include a little more variety in an already crazy poster ? Here is one of our two Youtubers in the ranking, also an engineering student, our 22-year-old Dutchman, Max Verstappen !

Like him, Max is slightly under stress but composed a relaxed air. He tilts his head slightly in front of the cameras and exchanges a look with Daniel.

— If I mentioned seriousness before, we have here again a good example ! Cautious and talented, Monegasque, also 22 years old, medical student and definitely pretty face, here is Charles Leclerc !

He finds it difficult to focus on the boy next to him. He takes a deep breath, preparing to be presented as a commodity in turn. Seriously who wrote these speeches ?

— And, finally, the youngest of our competition ! Youtuber, known for his lives, student in video game désignant conception, known for his humor and his angelic face, just 20 years old, here is our second British, Lando Norris !

His cheeks heat up a bit, but it's not that different from the videos he usually does. A small laugh crosses his lips when he realizes that he is in the shoes of those he has always found ridiculous. He curses his best friends for influencing him in this way.

— Now up to the choices ! Please grab the tablet in front of you and select the person you like the most.

When a tablet is handed to him, he raises his eyebrows, nervous. Everything is new from this moment, he wonders what he can or cannot try. His limits, his hopes ?

— If pairs match, they will be put together. The rest of the candidates will be distributed randomly or according to the votes of the public.

He exchanges a look with Max. Neither of them is more confident than the other. His finger hovers above the screen, he really hesitates.

— And we have a match !!

The presenter exclaims with a little too playful joy and on the screen appears the faces of those who have chosen each other. Daniel and Carlos?

He swallows, struggling to digest his disappointment. Of course he wouldn't attract the attention of the Spaniard, of course. Beyond that, he catches the gaze of his friend Youtuber who also darkens. Ah. In a final push, he chooses Max because he prefers the situation like that for now anyway.

— Everyone chose. No other match at this time. Be aware that opinions can change throughout the game, if a match arrives during this time the pair will be matched. Public votes will now determine who will be with whom but before that, a short ad page !

They are allowed to come down from their pedestal and he blows gently. A bottle of water is handed to him. Max, after all.

— Disappointed ?

— Same as you. Maybe I shouldn't have come.

— Yeah but ... I keep telling myself that it's only the first week ? The final reward is in my head.

They exchange a smile. It’s true that it makes them dream. He could finish ensuring his studies without difficulty with such a sum. He doesn't want to talk about everything he fears, because his crush on Carlos might only be fleeting, after all he doesn't know him personally.

— It's a game, isn't it ?

— Yes, assures his friend, but he seems confused by the question.

— So we can play. It's up to us to establish the best strategies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I just post a chapter per day from now on x)  
> Anyway, thanks for having read, I hope you liked this chapter !


	3. two vs two

The comparison makes the Dutchman laugh softly, offering him a brief hug before they return to their walk and the presenter reappears.

— You have voted and it is time for the statistics to appear. Among all the possible hazards, we have ... Pierre and Charles followed by Kevin and Valtteri then Lando and Max and finally Lewis and Romain.

Some pout, he finds himself relieved. Lando prefers to play this kind of game by two rather than alone.

— Free quarters for the rest of the day, familiarize yourself with the place and we'll meet again tomorrow morning !

They get one bedroom per pair. Like everything else in the villa, it is spacious with its own integrated bathroom, a large double bed. They get a bay window with a small terrace, not sure that all have the same. He collapses onto the large, soft bed.

— You want to seduce Daniel ?

— I'll return the question to you with Carlos.

— Our interests are common, that's perfect. Looks like ... they've put a PS4 into the bedroom, are you okay ?

Max nods, a new interest in his eyes. They are not on their basic set-up but they knew very well that their appearance on the show would surely prevent them from publishing. They warned their subscribers.

— So how are we gonna do ?

— Let's try to see if they can like us first, we can then go on from that.

— Get to know them ?

— Can we play as a couple too ?

They look at each other. His eyes fall on the other boy's lips. He comes forward almost timidly, comes to kiss him. The angle is a little weird. It's not his first kiss but the Dutchman is taller, it takes a while for them to adjust and it becomes more correct.

It is more experimental than anything else as they feel no other feeling than friendship with each other. A knock on their door makes them unhook. It is Daniel who is staring at them, jaw clenched.

— Dinner has been served so if you would like … to come.

They thank him briefly, get up. A certain embarrassment has crept into him but it's nothing compared to Max who bites his lip but seems to be exulting, whispering to him :

— I think the game has already started.

They sit at the table. Lando has no idea whether they should cook or not. Didn’t dare to ask. He doesn't complain when he finds a steak and potatoes on his appointed plate. Everyone seems to have something different.

The conversation begins, a little hesitant. It’s the older ones who exchange mainly. He doesn't think too much about it. His eyes in the wave.

— What about you, Lando and Max ?

He blinks, surprised by Daniel's sudden question. His sidekick, not much more attentive, does not seem to have listened either.

— Sorry ?

— We spoke freely, since we are not yet subject to the cameras. I was asking you if this pairing was right for you and if you had known each other before.

— We are friends, we have already gone live together but we had never met face to face before. And ...

— No.

The response came from the Dutchman and it's so spontaneous that he almost jumped.

— No, this pairing is not the one that suits us best. But we adapt to what we have, if the interest in some is not reciprocal.

A pike hidden behind his words. He thought they were playing ? It sounds a little too true. The Australian looks down for a moment, seeming taken aback or thinking.

— Do you have a playstation in your room ? their interlocutor suddenly asks, all smiles, as if the previous sentence had not been spoken.

— You don't have one yourself ?

Negative responses from everyone. He feels a little privileged and that makes him happy. Although honestly, he will still miss not playing on his PC.

— We could put it in the living room if you ever want to play ?

He nods to Max's offer and there they are thirty minutes later making connections that they hope are correct. Some go into games and, for once, moody, he goes to sit on the patio outside, by the pool. He lets one of his legs drag in the water which is, to his surprise, hot.

— You are not with the others, cábron?

Carlos sits next to him and he needs all the self-control in the world not to melt in front of the oldest.

— Not in the mood tonight.

— Do you miss your house already ?

— I don’t know. It could be, not you ?

— I'm used to traveling with my job.

Lando regains interest after hearing these words. He wants to ask a thousand and one questions and is holding back as best he can.

— Go ahead, I feel that there are things you are pondering about ?

— Do you ... uh ...

He changes his mind, changes of ideas.

— What made you choose Daniel ?

The Spaniard laughs softly, surely not expecting that question. He himself is surprised at his own audacity.

— Well, I had already met him before so he was a sure bet on the spot. And, Dan is pretty hot, don't you think ?

He cannot disapprove of this point. Although he finds his interlocutor quite "hot" in his kind.

— Why this question, chico ? You wouldn't have wanted me to choose you do you ?


	4. playful evening

It's not a mean or sarcastic question, but he feels hurt in a way. Lando prefers to choose silence and get up slowly, moving inward.

— Lando ? asks the Spaniard, expecting.

He shakes his head negatively, as if to chase his own thoughts. He feels defeatist. Should not. His words escape by themselves from his lips :

— No, it was probably stupid of me, sorry.

Inside, he seeks comfort with Max. Drops down beside him and the latter without asking any more questions lets him snuggle up against him.

— Bad convo ? his partner asks him in a whisper.

He just moans. The Dutchman's eyes have not let go of the screen, he is playing Fifa against Pierre. The latter's partner is nowhere to be seen around.

— Charles ? Lando dares to ask to Max that chuckles softly.

— I think he doesn't like me too much. Well, it is quite reciprocal. Have you known him for a long time, Pierre ?

— It's more ... that we were childhood friends. But it's a surprise to find him here you know. I never thought he was gay.

The voice of the Frenchman seems quite choppy, maybe it's a painful story. Whatever his moods, the other Youtuber does not really care and takes the opportunity to score a goal.

— Hey ! It's not fair, merde.

— Was that French ?

The oldest one rolls his eyes when he hears Lando's question.

— Yes, I'm not going to speak Italian.

— You could have, we don't know your origins, Max replies, defensive, almost protective.

Pierre mumbles something neither of them hear. A little amused by the situation, Lando comes to forget what just happened and gets up slightly, staying close to his sidekick.

— I come to envy you, you both seem close.

— Ah ? he says, a bit embarrassed. I guess we're good friends.

— I was a good friend of Charles and we never managed to be so close.

He gets up definitively, coming to wedge himself closer to their opponent. He brings his knees to his chest, resting his head on them, giving him a look :

— You want to confide ? As long as we still have peace.

— I don't know if that's a good idea.

— It's a proposal.

The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders.

— Charles was my first love. My first disillusionment too.

— He didn't love you ? Max wonders, raising an eyebrow.

— I don't think so. Being here is a funny irony of fate.

Lando pouts. The older one hands him the controller and he grabs it on the fly, raising his eyebrows, because he's too lazy to face Max at Fifa.

— I'm gonna go back to my room, good night lovebirds !

Left alone, silence falls for a few moments. He returns to lean against his comrade, looking for warmth.

— And in the end it's just you and me.

— Funny romantic, Lando. Are you starting to consider me ?

— Never. You are too good a friend I would say.

The Dutchman gives him a deep wink, giving him a small smile. He finally wins the next game, celebrating happily.

— Are you still up ?

Lewis, that just asked this question, surprising both of them, enters the living room, still dressed, looking sullen, he ends up settling on the sofa to their right. Since he doesn't really know him, he feels a bit awkward and tries to ignore this feeling.

— And you ? You can’t sleep ?

Max starts, careful.

— I don't know. It seems strange ... mumbles the model, rubbing his face. This is all strange. Sleeping in the same bed as a man I hardly know anything about.

— Your partnership does not suit you ? continues Lando, but still trying to be as delicate as possible about it.

— Not everything can be as perfect as you, you know. I wonder about my reasons for being here.

He exchanges a look with his companion, hilarious, before bursting into a heart-broken laugh. They're not the only ones who apparently got lost on their way here. Damn, that feels good.

The older one gives them a questioning glance.

— We're here because of a bet, of friends. And no, it's clearly not perfect. We got together out of spite, he manages to say, breathless.

— Are you interested in others ?

He grimaces. Not far from him, Max makes a similar face and shakes his head :

— Older, more beautiful. It's hard to tell yourself that they will take an interest in us.

— But you say that because you are young, you don’t see yourself objectively. I'm sure you can turn heads.

He blinks, surprised. This evening is a roller coaster ride, he didn't expect the Briton to encourage them. It warms his heart. He might not be alone after all.

— You want to play with us ?

— Well ... it's been a long time since I had any free time. I'm not sure how to play anymore !

— Catch ! he exclaims, again throwing the joystick which makes a perfect arc of a circle into the hands of their interlocutor. The easiest way is to try it directly.

The mestizo smiles gently at them. He's having a nice evening, honestly. He lets the two play most of the time, just watching them. The other student almost seems to shine in the middle of the living room, his eyes full of mischief, a continual smile on his lips. He hardly notices the weight on the back of the couch from the noise they cause.

— And you don’t invite the others ?

Daniel mutters these words calmly and although these are his own words, he doesn't seem determined to disturb the players, his eyes on Max, more than visible interest, once again.

— Do you know how to play at least ?

— It’s not because I have a career that I don’t have spare time !

— We're talking about video games, that's our field.

He slips this sentence with a wink supported at these words and a frank laugh escapes the lips of the Australian. A more serious thought comes to his mind :

— You should stop devouring him with your eyes though.

— Jealousy ?

He shrugs his shoulders. It doesn't interest him. For the sake of their plan, he should say yes, but there is something terribly disconcerting about his interlocutor that prompts him to be honest.

— You were the one talking to Carlos, right on the patio ? Daniel lets out, without looking at him.

— Yes why ?

— He looked upset when he came back, I wondered why.

He blinks and it's Daniel's turn to put on an amused smile, noticing with mischief:

— I’ve the feeling that these couples will not last long.


	5. bowling time!

The next day, they are woken up at 8 am by a strange ringing. The flat screen in their bedroom slowly lights up and the presenter appears on the screen. A pre-recorded message apparently.

— Good morning, sunshine ! Get up, it's a new day that begins. Today some activities are starting. Be ready in the lobby for nine o'clock.

Lando slowly stretches out, slips out of Max's embrace. They got into a funny position and he knows it's his fault. In his sleep, he snuggled up against the older one. He doesn't like to sleep alone, although he does most of the time, so he will often look for a source of heat.

— Slept well ? asks his partner, hoarse voice from his sleep.

— Rather, and you ?

— Likewise !

He retrieves a t-shirt from the floor and slips into the living room. It’s only there that he realizes he’s still in his underwear and he feels a bit embarrassed when eyes fall on him. This top he grabbed ... is not his.

— A little too comfortable, cábron ?

He looks up at Carlos who has a soft smile on his face, his hair messed up. And he thinks that, shit, even getting out of bed, he's really handsome. He shrugs his shoulders.

— Can I get you something ?

— Milk ?

He notices the bread on the table and ends up making toast. The Spaniard hands him his glass and he thanks him with a nod.

— Your Romeo isn't here ?

He raises his eyebrows at Charles' condescending tone. Pierre gives him a stern look.

— I don't know what he's doing, it shouldn't be long.

They have a hell of a sense of timing since that's when the Dutchman chooses to disembark and when he arrives he looks relieved, saying :

— Ah ! Cupcake, you had my t-shirt on. I thought I had lost him.

— Sorry, I took it without realizing it.

— Don’t worry, don’t worry, hehe.

His sidekick kisses his forehead before sitting down a little further. Daniel and Carlos' gazes remained on them throughout the action. He smiles.

At the time of regrouping in the hall, he is a bit nervous. Max draws circles on his back to calm him down.

— Today we have prepared a special program. This morning, we will go to an activity together and this afternoon, it will be specially for couples. The objective is of course to have fun and, beyond that, to get to know each other.

Embedded in different cars, he’s with Charles, Lewis and Valtteri. The latter two started a conversation which he dropped off after five minutes.

— What do you think of your pairing with Pierre ? he asks, curious.

— Oh, well, I ...

The Monegasque suddenly lowers his eyes, as if having difficulty formulating a correct answer.

— It was weird because, with our study differences, we had moved away but seeing him again was ... waking up next to him this morning ... I really don't know. I think he's as hurt as I never told him I'm gay.

He pursues his lips. The two older boys turned to them and must have heard the end of their conversation.

— Is it recent ? finally asks the Finn in the middle of the silence. Or have you known for a long time ?

— I don't know, I ... it's complicated.

— Yet we are all here for something in particular, don't you think ?

To find someone ? Valtteri has oddly sparkling eyes, and for a moment he wonders if his motives are laudable enough to make him here.

— We have arrived.

Is it a bowling alley ? He pouts for a moment because he always has been pretty bad at this game. They enter, followed by the cameras. Okay, his fails will be seen live. The presenter still there.

— For the games that will follow, we made two teams. Whoever wins will have a little surprise in the coming days. To level off a little more in the spirit of our show which is to get to know each other, we have divided all the couples !

He exchanges a look with Max who's jawbone on the other side. Put with Carlos and Pierre in the car, did something happen ? He doesn't have time to ask.

— The first team will be composed of Lando, Pierre, Kevin, Lewis and ...

He allows himself to cross his fingers behind his back.

— ... Daniel.

Lando is really unlucky. The Australian nudges him with an encouraging smile that he can't help but respond to.

— Let's prove to them that we are better.

He nods. They start their game and they manage to dominate but it remains very tight. They are elbow-to-elbow all the way. On the other side, Max and Charles don't seem to get along and he laughs softly.

— They're ridiculous aren't they ? Pierre asks, but there is no animosity in his voice, just pure tenderness.

— You're okay ?

The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, looking impassive. Surely more touched than he wants to show.

— Lando ! It's your turn, it's all on your shoulders !

He is surprised by Lewis's intervention. His interest returns to the scores which are now tied. He has to do something. He focuses on a shot trying to aim as well as possible. And get all the pins except one.

His comrades jump for joy as the spare registers on the screen after he succeeds. It is then that he noticed that it’s Carlos' turn to move forward.

The latter stares at the scores puzzled, leaning forward, taking his time, a wry laugh crossing his lips before he finally decides to throw.

Strike.

His eyes widen at what signifies the victory of the other team. His competitor jumps for joy, famous, before throwing himself on him, tackling him to the ground, laughing. And he, surprised, plus that he is not very heavy, falls backwards.

The eyes of the older man are lit with a deep feeling. Desire ? 

His own feelings are diverse. The warmth of his body, a moment that he waited for, that he wanted. Which obviously does not last. The Spanish gets up. He too a little shaky.

— You okay ? Max whispers, worried.

He feels that his cheeks are red. Totally. He breathes to try to calm himself down, the moment that just happened repeating itself in his mind.

— Yes, I ... yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couldn't help but being inspired by real life there ^^


	6. first date

After a well-deserved meal, the groups are still separated. Lando slightly regrets not being with Carlos anymore, in the car an apparent calm reigns. The latter however breaks when they see the place.

— Theme park ?

His eyes widen and Max to his right looks delighted. He feels like he's five years old and, at the same time, can understand his comrade's infatuation. The latter holds out his hand.

— Oh, gentleman now ? he asks, jockingly.

— You should take advantage.

— Sorry, sorry, Maxy.

Lando grabs his hand and they start to wander. He likes ... generally ... strong sensations. But hard not to scream when they make a haunted house. A haunted house damn it !

— You want me dead, he stammers, taking refuge in his companion's sweater for the umpteenth time.

The latter, without any qualms, blithely mocks him and the situation. Comfort him by sliding an arm around him and kissing his forehead. The heat makes them feel better and they finish their course without any other big fear.

— Thank you really.

— It's normal. It wasn't really scary you know ?

He nudges the older smirk before kissing his lips gently. The way they claim to be dating is way too natural. He continues to want a certain Spanish instead of his friend ... 

The Dutchman slips to his ear, away from all cameras.

— We will manage to get with them, I swear.

They exchange a smile. The rest of their tour takes place on attractions that he particularly enjoys. They even get lost in a gallery of mirrors.

— Should I pay you something ?

He touches his neck, a bit embarrassed because the other Youtuber is just perfect in his role of boyfriend, perfect in the shot, and he keeps getting distracted by intrusive thoughts, wondering what Carlos does. He should take advantage of the moment.

Max does not wait for his answer and buys a cotton candy in front of which he shoots puzzled eyes.

— Why ?

— Because I really wanted to. I pay for it with my Youtube money.

Recurring joke and his sidekick who seems to want to put him at ease. He relaxes a little more and steals a piece of the candy.

— Hey ! It's mine !

— Pft. Your act of "gentleman" lasted only two minutes. If you were a true romantic you would share with me.

They stay a few moments staring at each other, eye to eye, a sort of argument. They don't last more than five seconds before bursting into laughter. Too ridiculous even for them.

They end up dividing the purchase in half, it keeps a sweet taste on his tongue, pleasant. The last attraction of the day is the Ferris wheel. They go up there. The city appears as a whole, the higher they rise.

One beside the other, in the silence of the small cabin, they observe the horizon. It's beautiful. He feels all his problems become small just by looking at the hereafter.

— It's beautiful, isn't it ?

Faced with the lack of answers from his partner, he turns to find the latter, eyes shining. Tears. He wonders what kind of thoughts, memories have appeared in the second student's mind.

— Oh, Maxy ...

He knows subjects that have never been mentioned. He knows a void in Max's life and the taboo that is his family. He takes him in his arms with a sigh.

— Sorry, I'm ... being here means a lot.

He cannot seem to know the meaning of this sentence. A simple meaning to be on this show? or a more visceral, abysmal meaning; to still be alive. Too much torment that the Dutchman camouflages on a daily basis.

— I know. Everything is fine now. We will get there.

In his arms, his friend gradually calms down. When they come back downstairs, their hands don't let go, but once they get back to the villa, as the cameras go out to leave them alone at night and Max locks himself in their room, he knows he can no longer help him.

It breaks his heart. He sits on the couch with a long sigh, brings his legs back to his chest. A bitter background. Their roommates spin around them, whether it's to eat or simply because they're finally home. His gaze freezes on Daniel and Carlos entering, loud, laughing, drenched.

— What have you got on you ? he hears from Lewis.

— He sprayed me with champagne, este idiota !

— Don't accuse me, you started !

He gets lost somewhere, in the wave. And lets his eyes close without delay, a dull ache in his chest.


	7. do you remember ...

— A kart track ? What ...

Pierre furtively wonders if the show searched in their biography until their childhood. Until where they both used to do it. Charles avoids his gaze and it hurts him. He didn't say anything.

His hand brushes the wall, browsing the inscriptions of a dream, of another time to which they belonged. Become a pilot. Being caught up with reality, frozen by fear, oppressive surroundings and he is not strong enough. Breaking up of his friendship with the Monegasque, estrangement, to become what they are today.

And yet it was this same boy with whom he held his hand under the starry sky, on the roof of his country house when they had managed to convince their parents to let them stay together. The same boy he talked to about his hopes, their hopes.

Which broke his heart irreparably.

They are handed helmets. Told where to sit. The youngest speaks with a flirtatious, charming smile, with everyone except him. The usual. He doesn't know why he still hasn't got used to it.

The contact of the kart is familiar to him. The pressure on the steering wheel, his breathing heavier slightly as he picks up speed.

And he chases away those bad memories that come back to him. This shock.

The race is pretty straightforward. They go shoulder to shoulder. He lost technique, his opponent too. Seeking victory, a serious smile on his face. A little too tight turn, their karts come into contact, he sees the curbs a little too closely. Bangs against it.

The adrenaline. He remains frozen in the vehicle for a moment, catching his breath. Further on, he hears Charles rushing out of his vehicle and running to meet him.

— My god, my god ! Pierre, are you okay, mon cœur ?

A frank laugh escapes his lips as he takes off his helmet and finally climbs out of the kart. The Monegasque shows an outraged air.

— Damn you scared me ! Never do that again !

— Does this kind of thing have to happen for you to worry about me ?

— I ...

He runs a hand through his hair, which has become slightly damp. A sigh crosses his lips and he shakes his head.

— It doesn’t matter. I never thought you would have the same feelings. Just, it brought back memories you know ? Before he ... leaves us. All three.

The silence of the one who was his childhood friend strikes him. He too resigns himself. Not the time to bring up this kind of thing.

— Well, time to go home I think ? I took the turn wider than expected, it's my fault. I missed it, haha.

He takes a few steps on the track. He still feels a little dizzy from the shock but nothing serious. A hand grips his wrist.

— Charles ? What-

He is cut mid sentence when a pair of warm lips rest on his. He responds to it with all his energy. The kiss leaves them panting, staring, eye to eye, blue against green.

— But why ?

— You are wrong saying that. I loved you. I love you ... because you always took care of me even though I wanted to push you away, leave you apart. You never got down. I don't understand the reason.

His chest filled with sweet emotion. Something he could hardly have dreamed of. He comes to put his hand on the cheek of the one facing him, caressing it with affection.

— Charlie ... I love you too.

The youngest sighs before coming back to kiss him again and again. He has to stop his momentum but keeps him against him as he walks up the aisle to get back to the closest staff. The latter examines them carefully, worried, but all is well.

The return to the villa takes place in a strange atmosphere. He doesn't even know what was filmed or not and if it corresponds to what "pleases" the audience.

— Pierre ?

— Yes ?

— I promise you I'll do everything to catch up. I know I hurt you in some way but I will prove to you that I love you. That it was not in vain. And that I'm sorry.

— You don’t have to ...

He loses his words along the way, mumbles, thrusting his face into his hands, embarrassed. The other student does not take his eyes off him once, waiting for the rest of his sentence. He recovers.

— Be yourself. That's all I want.

— Are you sure ? I mean, everything that happened was my fault and I-

— Yeah. Yes, I'm sure.

A shy smile takes place on the lips of his Monegasque who offers him a discreet glance. Behavior totally contrasted compared to earlier when they kissed fiercely. The return to the villa marks the extinction of the cameras and they find themselves face to face since they are the first to return.

He makes a small noise, surprised when he feels his companion's hands slip under his t-shirt.

— C-Charles ?

— Am I going too fast ?

He sighs deeply, aware of the passing of time. Aware of moments like this, rare, because they are alone. And leans in to pick up another kiss.

— No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a change of pov for once :)


	8. rankings

— Lanno ? Everything okay, chico ?

Lando allows himself to open his eyes slowly. Carlos sat down next to him. He shrugs his shoulders.

— Tired.

— Max isn't with you ?

Daniel is relaxed, a little too much. He could tell that this couple is the opposite of theirs. The four of them must have had a magical evening, but the end was quite different. Models, bordering on perfection.

— In the bedroom. I don't think he wants to see anyone.

— Can I try my luck ?

He makes a vague hand gesture. The Australian is leaving as quickly as he arrived. He changes his position to sit properly, shivering as his arms come in contact with the cold air.

— You seem in bad shape, states Carlos, looking a bit ... concerned?

— It's more ... Max who is in bad shape. I have nothing.

The Spaniard gives him a look full of interest with a spark that he cannot identify before taking him in his arms. He yelps as he feels the warm body against him, but above all wet and sticky.

— It's filthy ! Let go of me !

— I'm not going to be able to do that, cábron.

The embrace tightens around him even more and he finally lets go, resting his head on the soaked t-shirt.

— Why ? he mumbles.

— Because you seemed to need it.

As easy as that.

— I don't understand ...

— It's easy to notice this kind of thing when you pay attention, chico.

Does he pay attention to him ? He feels himself blush and tucks his face deeper into the garment. Carlos starts to kiss his neck and he shivers.

— A mis ojos, eres oro, cariño.

He doesn't understand the sentence. Not those words. But it does him good to hear that he is not alone, that he is cared for. He lets go of this weight that weighed on his heart.

— I wanted you to choose me.

A whisper he almost thinks he imagines. A breath that confirms his deepest wishes. His breath hangs in his throat.

— I'm sorry I didn't, cábron.

He pulls back. Their eyes riveted on one another. His drifts onto the lips of the older man. The latter leans over and kisses him. So light. Soft. A touch, barely a touch. Then the DJ stands up with a tender smile.

— Good night, córazon.

He remains frozen on the couch, dreamy, watching the other go away. He touches his lips with the tip of his finger. Red cheeks. He takes a deep breath.

— An older man eh.

Lewis is leaning back on the couch, an amused look on his face.

— You see that you were not objective compared to yourself.

— Do you feel any better ?

The model climbs over the sofa and drops down beside him, sighing loudly, sadly.

— I don’t know.

— It's not the final choice, you can change? he proposes, cheerful.

— But I don't know if ... I'm a self-confident person in general, I judge people at first sight. I'm not sure there is anyone here for me.

— The adventure is not over ?

He hesitates to return to his room. Is Max better ? He doesn't want to interrupt his friend if he's with Daniel. He ends up asking the oldest one :

— Have you seen Daniel ?

— I saw him coming out of your room, why ?

— He went to talk to Max, so I didn't really know ...

He stands up. His friend offers him a concerned glance which he does not notice.

— Good night, Lewis. Try to get some sleep.

— Thank you, little one.

He enters the darkened room. The Dutchman, lying in bed, seems to be sleeping soundly, at ease. Whatever the Australian told him, it was good for him. 

Relieved, he changes before slipping into the covers.

  
  
  


The next day, the awakening is quiet. In fact, they spend a quiet week, undisturbed by any event, just to develop their affinities. Max, a big smile on his face, looks much better.

— It's not bad, cupcake. Do you have any news from your friends ?

He rolls his eyes.

— Everyday. They react to everything that happens.

The Dutchman laughs at him and gives him a nudge. Daniel sticks his head through the doorway just to tell them one sentence before backing up.

— Maxy, Lando, come to the living room !

He allows himself to give his comrade a surprised look and raises an eyebrow, amused.

— Maxy, huh ?

— Shut up !

In the main room, all the competitors are there, around the television screen. A countdown is displayed. He approaches cautiously, glancing at Pierre who seems happier than at the beginning of the adventure.

— What is happening ?

— Polls will soon be posted to find out who is the best couple. The last two will be remodeled.

The Frenchman bites his lip. It's Charles who comes to take his hand gently. 

And then he understands. Things seem to have improved a lot for them.

He gloomily observes the clock coming to 0. Each pair is represented and he is surprised to see that he and Max are at the top, Daniel and Carlos following them quite closely. Last in the standings, Lewis finds himself with Valtteri and Kevin passes with Romain.

A message is then displayed on the screen: " _to our winning couple this weekend, meet at the entrance in fifteen minutes_ ".

He exchanges a look with his companion. They share the same misunderstanding. So much has happened. They may wonder what will happen anyway.

— Lando ?

Carlos puts his hand on his forearm and he shivers slightly. They have indulged in their partnership war the last few days, making each other jealous. He assumes that everything is good to use it to his advantage.

— Be careful.

And it is rather rare, after the past week, that the Spaniard shows his true concern. He smiles.

— I think there’s nothing we should worry about.


	9. burning afternoon

The lights illuminate him. So as not to worry too much, Lando puts himself in a video shooting condition. It's not that different even though he's done a lot of gaming, very little in other formats. Max looks natural as he starts to read and he envies him damn it.

— The next question is ... How did we meet ? 

— For those who follow our channels, we talked a bit on social networks. For my part, I knew he was making somewhat similar videos. It was he who initiated a game together outside live, we got to know each other from there.

— I was curious but I would never regret sending you this message ! We have things in common, we get along well ... and we both have best friends ... let's say annoying.

They exchange a look, hilarious. Not sure that George and Alex like it but hey, too bad. Private joke, private joke. He pulls out a paper and read it out loud :

— "You have a very good relationship, not necessarily always about love but very friendly. If you come to separate, do you have other people with whom you would like to be put ? By that I mean names, bunch of secretive guys."

He coughs uncomfortably. Uneasy. The Dutchman lets out an amused laugh as he waddles in his chair. Don't hide anything.

— Well, objectively, Daniel.

He looks up at his partner who seems to have spoken, without fear, a light pink on his cheekbones.

— I mean, we have several boys of all ages and all genders. But he has that little hint, thing, the Australian sun maybe.

A playful pout takes place on his face until his partner gives him a pointed look.

— What ? he asks, clearly playing dumb.

— The question concerns you too.

He rolls his eyes. He mumbles.

— I don't really like being around strangers but ... it would be Carlos.

— For no particular reason ?

— It seems obvious to me though.

His friend shrugs his shoulders, no more insisting, and grabs another piece of paper. He tries to relax, rubbing his eyes to hide his embarrassment.

— "Can you tell me something Lando hates and something he loves above all ?" Easy !

— Really ?

— You hate fish and you love milk.

He keeps his eyes wide open, surprised after all.

— I didn't know you paid attention to that kind of detail.

— Everything for you, Cupcake.

— Ow, ow.

He coughs and blushes. What a fine talker. The video ends moments later. They huff, relieved.

— You were perfect ! smile the staff member when they get to her. You get used to the cameras better and better, that's great.

— Thank you.

— Max, if possible, I would like you to gather those who were on your bowling team last week. Around 2 pm in the lobby ?

His comrade nods. The return to the villa comes with some relief. Suddenly, they can go about their business as if nothing had happened. They are greeted by Pierre :

— Oh, you’re back already ?

— Um, yes why ? he wonders and the Frenchman smiles a bit.

— We attended your interview live, as we did not know where you were, I thought it would be longer.

Live ? He feels his cheeks blaze at the thought that everyone has seen his statement. That of Max too, who is biting his lip.

— Have you seen ... the others ? I have to talk to them.

— They are all on the patio or in the pool.

The Dutchman nods and quickly leaves through the bay window. He follows him and is speechless when he finds their roommates shirtless. He blinks, doing violence to himself not to dwell on Carlos'.

— You’re home ! Daniel exclaims, glancing at them over his sunglasses. Why not go put on a swimsuit and join us ?

His remark is clearly aimed at the other Youtuber.

— Those of my bowling team, we have an appointment at the entrance at 14:00. I think it's for our reward.

— And he is ?

— 13:35.

A small smile escapes him. He would have liked to speak a little to his Spaniard but it seems to him that he will have to postpone this opportunity. He goes inside.

— Aren't you staying with them ? Pierre asks, surprised.

— No, no, I'm going to my room. You ?

— I'm waiting ... let's say, an urgent call.

He nods. He settles down on the small terrace of their room, his notebook that he took out of his suitcase and a pencil in his hand. His speaker plays a random song. The sun is pleasant on his skin. Time passes, his phone lying next to him. 

The next time he looks at the time, two has gone down from twenty minutes. He is surprised when someone sits down next to him.

— What are you doing, cábron ?

— Carlos ? I thought you should be with the others ?

— I exchanged my place with Daniel, I could not resign myself to leave you alone.

He rubs his eyes gently and finally puts down his pen. The older man leans forward slightly, reading a few lines.

— What is it ?

— Oh, ideas. Videos. I've had a few lately and even though I had planned some in advance, I don't think I will be able to cover my absence. We weren't told if it was going to last all these vacations or not.

— I see. Are you going to make short films again ?

— I would love to but I don't know if-

Again ? He freezes, his brain is spinning full speed.

— Have you ... already seen my videos ?

— Of course. I think most of our roommates have all seen at least one.

He buries his face in his hands, suddenly feeling embarrassed. It's not that he doesn't take responsibility for his videos, he hasn't been hiding what he's doing for years, but it still does something to him.

— Don't worry, you do really good stuff. And you're adorable, even when you start breaking joystick after a loss.

— Don’t talk to me about it !

— Mmh, I like this song.

He leaves himself a time to analyze what is playing before offering a nudge to his interlocutor.

— It’s normal, it's from you !

Carlos lets out a deep, hot laugh that seems to ring in his ears. He really likes this sound.

— But you know, cariño, keeping you company isn't the only reason I stayed here this afternoon.


	10. new

Lando feels like he's just going from surprise to surprise. He looks up to find Carlos' dark irises planted over him with intensity. He cannot look away, he is completely drowning in it.

— This interview. I was burning with jealousy because I'm not sure I know you as well as Max, nor that I have the same connection with you. But ...

Totally hypnotized. Breathless.

— But ? he asks, with a low voice.

The Spaniard leaves silence for a moment, and these few seconds seem downright unbearable to him.

— Your words. You chose me.

The older one seems amazed. He has a shy little smile as his companion gently strokes his cheek.

— You could have shut up, refused to answer or lie. Yet you said it all the same, mi valiente muchacho.

Their faces slowly approach each other. They've kissed before, it's true, but he knows that the moment their lips touch, they won't respond to themselves any longer. So close, so close …

**BAM.**

He jumps, Carlos steps back. The moment broken. The noise comes from the living room where he remembers Pierre was. Quite worried, they head for the room.

Pierre is kneeling on the ground, his back to them, picking up what appears to be debris from a glass tray.

— Is everything fine ?

The Frenchman jumps up, cuts his hand off with a bang, dropping the said and tries to pick it up but can't do it, hands shaking.

— We're going to sweep, stop, you're going to cut yourself again.

— Sorry, I ... sorry.

The other student gets up, they finally see his pale face, looking in deep shock. He gently grabs his shoulder.

— What's wrong ?

— There was-

— Pierre !

Charles runs up before throwing himself into the arms of his partner who lets himself go completely, a sob escapes him.

— I know I know. It's going to be fine, my love, we'll find something.

They withdraw without a word, a look. He can understand the need for privacy, remains worried and pensive. Pierre was waiting for a phone call, right ? What could it be ? Carlos runs his hands over his shoulders.

— Are you okay, cariño ?

— I do, but they ...

— You don't have to worry about that. They will talk about it if they want to.

He's about to protest but holds back, not knowing where his limits are with this man who kisses his cheek before leaving him alone.

He later learns that a friend of Pierre and Charles was seriously injured in a car accident and is in the hospital.

And a month goes by without Carlos no longer looking for him. A month when the atmosphere is electrified and where they suddenly surrender in jealousy. He is also hurt when he realizes that the two older ones must have slept together.

Max too. They don't stoop to it. They don't want to, can't. Halfway through the turn he wonders how the situation turned so badly. Was the situation of the last time finally regretted by the DJ ...?

— You sulk. What's the matter ?

— Half the adventure is over, I guess. We didn't get what we wanted. At all.

— We don't know if it's half.

— I don’t know about you but me at the level of the courses it risks to become short.

His partner laughs, looking relaxed although large dark circles line his pretty blue eyes. Dark nights, nightmares, uncertainties ... seem to disturb his companion.

— You heard ? There is going to be an event today.

— What kind ?

— The kind "who will turn the adventure upside down".

He rolls his eyes, unconvinced.

— How do you always know about the news ?

— I do something magical called getting up before ten o'clock.

He pretends to choke on his indignation at the wickedness of his friend. The Dutchman gets up from their bed they are sitting on and offers him a hand to help him up. He grabs his and goes into the living room that way. The presenter is seated on an ottoman next to the candidates. Ouh, is this serious then ?

— Good morning all. Today is an exceptional day ! We are celebrating one month of the show. Halfway through, you all start to know each other well, so we give you the ultimate chance. The ultimate ability to change your pair and trigger a match.

Lando has a sharp emotion that briefly rises to his chest. He won't let this chance slip by. When his gaze meets Carlos's, he hopes, he hopes to send him a big enough message, a big enough hope. "Choose me".

— However, I think you've all heard of a little surprise. I know that some of you may not feel satisfied with the participants present or at least not find compatible partners in them.

He sees Lewis sitting up on the couch, a glint of interest shining in his eyes. The Briton's pair seemed to be better with Valtteri since they didn't see him watch as often as with Romain but didn't seem to make him happy.

— Allow me to introduce the two new inhabitants of the villa, welcome them as they should. They will have the privilege of indicating their preferences before the rest of you as it is their first visit.

Two men enter the room, suitcase at the foot, from the same door through which they themselves disembarked a month ago.

— A man with a calm, gentle approach, but also possessing great intelligence and a certain talent which he exercises as a mechanical engineer. He's thirty-two, he's German, this is Sebastian Vettel !

The first thing he notices is this man, his two rather astonishing clear eyes crossing the room, sweeping it in search of something, someone.

— Following the family business, taking over the reins, he is a freight forwarder, owner of a large company of the 21st century. Provocative, passionate, German too, here is Nico Hulkenberg, 32 years old !

A tall blond who, once again, walks overhead, appearing to be looking for someone older. He fears for his own ... love or whatever he may call it.

— Well now boys you will be able to cast your first choice and we will see in relation to our candidates. A new room will be unlocked.

The two newcomers don't seem to need a lot of thought as Sebastian throws pretty fast.

— Lewis.

His voice is soft, warm.

— I'll say Kevin.

More rocky. 

The only woman present, quite focused on makeup, comes forward with a gesture worthy of a drama-queen.

— You have the choice, gentlemen, to respond to this choice or to-

Lewis gets up quickly, grabs the engineer's arm and pulls him after him.


	11. right places

— I ... uh, guess that's because he accepts that choice. Ahem. Kevin ?

More shy, less demonstrative, the Danish is content to nod his head.

— Very good ! Please have the remaining participants grab the tablets to their right.

Lando's hand is shaking as he grabs the object. Long, long adventure, summer vacation. With his fingertip, he touches the indicated box of Carlos' name and waits. It's not a long time, it seems endless to him.

— And we have matches ! It is impressive how accommodating you have been. Except a group apparently.

His eyes open a little wider, a cold sweat running through him.

— Lando and Carlos.

He looks up to find his new partner who is watching him with a smile on his face. The Spaniard opens his arms to his attention and he rushes in to snuggle up, moaning with happiness.

— I got you, cariño.

— Daniel and Max, continues the staff member.

The Dutchman glances nervously at the Australian whose smile seems brighter than ever.

— Pierre and Charles.

The Monegasque shrugs his shoulders before deeply embracing the French who blushes, not expecting this.

— And then, Valtteri and Romain. You did not choose any people, can you explain why ?

They look at each other, amused and embarrassed by the situation.

— I felt we would meet again. In one way or another, smiles Romain, distractly.

— Exactly.

— And that concludes our pairs who should not move that much over the next few days ! Changes have taken place within the villa, what do you think ? Do not hesitate to react with the hashtag loveoffame !

Later, he sits in his room, the same since it was Max who decided to move out, against his partner. His two best friends send him found tweets. He feels embarrassed. 

— "Finally, they are finally reunited!" "No, ladies and gentlemen, you are not dreaming, Daniel / Max - Carlos / Lando, in the right place." "Lando / Carlos otp 4ever." You can tell the fans are elated at least.

— I ... yeah. We weren't very subtle, I think.

— Lanno, you're adorable, you know ?

His cheeks took on a dark shade. Too dark. Red that strews his skin. Carlos kisses his cheek tenderly before standing up, holding out his hand.

— Come on stand up, then says the Spaniard.

— Why ?

— Didn't you hear the announcement this morning ?

He blinks repeatedly, remembering Max's words about not getting up early enough.

— I think I was still sleeping.

A laugh escapes the older man and, offended, he nudges him in the ribs.

— Don't think badly, chico. It's just so much you ! But to answer your question, an activity is already planned for the new couples.

— Oh really ?

He grabs the hand of his partner who hoists him to his side, close to his lips. A moment's hesitation and their lips meet again. A more intense kiss, their lips meet and he feels uncertain to approach this area so little touched. He feels Carlos smile against him and pull back.

— No need to rush. We will go at your pace. Above all, I don't think this is the time.

Lando nods, still feeling quite shy. The touch of his companion's warm hand in his has the gift of reassuring him.

In the living room, the atmosphere is ... varied. He can sense tension in the room. Nico and Kevin are sitting next to each other but not really talking to each other, nervous, tense, a little angry ?

For Lewis and Sebastian, it's more complicated to describe. The Briton's eagerness of yesterday seems to be gone, they now seem more timid with each other; less involved. Even though the sparkle in the older man's gaze hasn't faded for once.

Valtteri and Romain discuss calmly. Quite simply. Charles and Pierre have quite concerned airs on their faces. Serious.

Max seems happier in a way, but he gives him a strange look. He sits down next to him as his Spanish goes to speak with Daniel.

— Are you okay, cupcake ?

— I do. You rather ?

— I think so now. Have you seen the last articles ? About our channels ?

He shakes his head and suddenly the outside world seems to exist again. He had forgotten it. He felt protected here, away from it all. But the fact remains that there are his studies, his occupations, his life.

— Here. Just ... don't worry too much about it.

He bites the inside of his cheek, retrieves the phone. The first words make his eyes widen. After all, he considers his sexuality to be a matter of his own. Several titles, comments, considerations.

He never hid from being gay. He never really talked about it, didn't take it as a topic that mattered a lot. Disappointment seized him. Almost to the point of tears.

— Surprising eh ? I didn't expect it to be so homophobic. We would have to sort it out.

— "The two web stars have not yet answered". I don't even know what to say. I think I'm always more disappointed that the world hasn't ... changed.

The Dutchman lowers his eyes before looking up again, seeming to have an entirely different subject in mind, just as urgent.

— I must tell you. I heard that Carl-

— Hello everyone ! New day, new activity, right ? These changes must have upset you. You might have even been hooked up with someone you don't know much about.

He is almost too surprised by the intervention of the presenter who makes him turn around quite suddenly. She has a big smile on her face.

— We engage in a unique quiz. Each pair will have the right to ask each other questions, free or directed. Everything will, of course, not be revealed to the public and each participant will have a wild card on the question of their choice.

He exchanges a look with Max, not sure whether he likes it or not.


	12. scared of love

Max runs a hand around his neck, sliding down his neck forcefully. He does violence to himself to stay calm. Nervousness is daily. He doesn't even like being here. Sometimes he wonders why. He finds his answer in the people around him. People he probably would never have met if he hadn't come.

Daniel smiles at his right next to him, beaming. He sees the reasons why he fell in love with this man every time. He sees how deep this budding love could become if he leaves it. To see if he should preserve it or stop it now.

— Nervous ? Cameras ? asks the Aussie, detached.

— You're not the only one who is used to it. For different reasons.

— You were as much in front of the camera as behind, I know, Maxy. I particularly liked your last video by the way.

A slight blush seizes his cheekbones. It always surprises him. Being here also gives him the notion of anonymity. After all, they're all known in one way or another. They are not nobody but here they can be.

They sit on armchairs facing each other. The spotlight is blinding.

— Your qualities according to you ?

He looks down, giving himself time to think, then says :

— Persevering, I don’t give up the things that are close to my heart. I would say I'm pretty ... insightful ? You ?

— Mmh. Let me think. People talk about my good mood and say I have humor. I have patience.

— But is it true ?

— Huh ?

A slight smile is anchored on his lips.

— You say that's what people say about you.

— I guess so. I have never been proven wrong.

— Oh. And your worst defaults ?

Daniel runs a hand through his brown curls absently. His gaze almost freezes on this vision, he must do everything possible to turn away from it.

— I can wait a long time but after a while I end up getting impatient. I need certainties. And in my bad moments ... I would tend to want to be alone.

— Your angel face isn't doing everything then ?

— I return the compliment, Maxy. Pretty eyes. What's your defaults ?

He has a brief thought for Lando who seemed as insecure as him. Both feel too young, insecure here. When there are so many people who seem so mature.

— Impulsive. Maybe a little ... unstable. Emotionally speaking.

— Tell me about your father.

— E-E ... excuse me ?

But the Aussie does not return to his question and is content to stare at him, imperturbable. His palms are sweaty and he wipes them on his pants. Deep breath.

— He died when I was eighteen from an illness. He was tough on us. My mother left him for that, she couldn't stand his character anymore.

— That's not all, is it ? That's not the only reason you hate bringing up this subject.

— How do you know that ?

His voice takes on desperate accents. His gaze flees the scene. The cameras stifle him, everything stifles him. He feels bad, his heart at the edge of his lips.

— Answer my question, then I'll answer yours.

His hand lands on his forearm and squeezes it in a reflex he had forgotten. Fear, uncertainty. Irregular breathing. Pressure. Need air. He suddenly can't take it anymore, gets up abruptly and walks out of the room.

The wind on his skin makes him feel good. The sun blinds him slightly. He breathes deeply. The tears in the corners of his eyes make him feel so weak. Steps behind him.

— I went too far, right ? Sorry Maxy.

He does not answer. Daniel approaches him a little more but seems uncertain about the idea of establishing real contact between them.

— Are you mad at me ?

— Can you tell me why you know about it ? he says, shakingly. 

— I don't know much about it. I've heard tips. I made the connection. Ah, another quality I guess, I'm not an idiot.

This has the gift of making him smile in the midst of tears.

— All that scares me. I don’t want to confide in you because I am afraid of the importance that you can take and that if it’s not reciprocal. That you don't love me as much and that you use me, he breathes and that's years and years coming back to his mind.

— I would never do that to you.

— Why believe you ? How to believe you ?

— Because I'm asking you to. And that I love you.

His body is shaking, he tries to breathe through his sobs. This time, the older one approaches and takes him in his arms. Holds him tight.

— I fell in love with you, Max Verstappen and that's true.

Tears roll down his cheeks a lot. He is such a mess. He bends under the kisses offered to him, collapses.

— W-Why ? I don't think I deserve you ...

— It's obvious to me, dear. Your smile, your impulsiveness, from the first looks you gave me when you arrived to the ones you give me now ... and each of your being, this way of being sincere without being too sincere. For choosing me. Me.

Daniel wipes his tears gently, calmly. Such a calm which contrasts with the state in which he is now, he does not really understand.

— I was so jealous, Maxy. You played with me, you and Lando ...

— Didn’t you play with me too ? With Carlos ?

It’s the actors who know how to fool the best the world, he was suspicious. He was afraid of this relationship, so afraid. But can’t help but get attached to it.

— Perhaps we should instill good manners in you youngsters.

The sentence seems slightly cold but finally the sparkling look that the Aussie gives him heightens the tone. He sighs softly, this time feeling really peaceful. Maybe he can find a happy ending too, in the midst of all this escapism and glitter.

Maybe he can find it, in the arms of Daniel.

Maybe he needs to believe in it, for once. To believe he can be happy.

— Are you ready, Maxy ?

— Ready for what ?

— To spend the next month with me.


	13. free fall

Lando tries to tame his curls, to no avail. He sighs. Two weeks before the end. What can they do but hope to attract the good graces of the public ? The competition is almost fierce, except that they appreciate each other.

Two arms slip around his shoulders, a small smile is born on his face.

— Mmh, what are you doing, amor?

— I try to fix my hair but I can’t ! It's annoying me.

— Look at me ?

He turns his head towards his companion who gives him a look up and down.

— No, don't change anything. You are very good like that, muy guapo.

He shakes his head but doesn't touch his hair any more, satisfied despite everything. They have a little party for them, to celebrate the show's final countdown. Carlos takes his hand and guides him outside where the limousines are waiting for them. They go upstairs with Lewis and Sebastian.

— Your knot is badly put.

And just like that, the German leans over and adjusts the costume of the Brit who blushes slightly.

— T-Thank you.

— You're welcome Liebe.

He attends the scene with a smirk. Something has changed between them. Or was it already there before? 

The journey is quite short, it passes in the blink of an eye. He's nervous for some reason. The presence of his partner reassures him.

Finding Max makes the atmosphere even better and, very quickly, he forgets what he was so stressed about. Music is playing in the background. His Spaniard pouts for a moment.

— I could have done better.

He nudges him, to which the older man responds by kissing his cheek. He slips into the night with an ease that he himself is surprised. All their comrades seem appeased, even Nico and Kevin seem to have finally found each other. Maybe that's the effect the near end of the show has on them.

After having dinner, the music starts up again and the only Dutchman in the group drags him with him on the dance floor. Very quickly, they are joined by Charles and Pierre.

Joy. To regain a taste for everything he could not do during his adolescence. He almost feels nostalgic when he thinks about it, him who is supposed to just be out of it. He never had much time for himself ...

— Where's Carlos ?

And his voice is almost lost as the volume is high, to the point where he has to repeat his question several times.

— Outside ! With Dan.

His former partner points to the balcony. He nods, determined to go pick up his game and spend the rest of the evening with him anyway. This is the occasion. He walks away from the dancefloor and the door leading to the railing is open.

His steps slow slightly, he's still afraid of getting in the way after all. The wind caresses his cheeks, from here he can already see the two older ones in the middle of a conversation. It sounds serious.

— What should I do, Daniel ? I don't like not being sincere with this little one.

— You should never have accepted this proposal in the first place. For what more ? Money ? Boredom ?

— I didn't think it would turn out like that ! He's so innocent, I'm so afraid of hurting him.

His smile, which hadn't really left his face from the beginning of the evening, falters. Lando is afraid to understand what they are talking about.

— Why did you accept their proposal ? Why did you decide to play the game of seduction with Lando ? Do you really have no consideration ?

— I don’t know. I can't really tell him the truth, can I ? He would not want to understand, he probably thinks that I am the chosen one of his heart, pobre chico.

His eyes widen. He turns on his heels hastily. He wants to be alone. He needs to be alone. He wants to throw up. Is that right ? From the start, his relationship with Carlos has only been a vulgar staging ? A marketing coup ?

Depreciation hits him full force to the point where he staggers, no longer seeming to be able to stand on his own feet. He sits on the steps outside the building, at the entrance.

His heart hurts.

He doesn't want to believe that's love. He thinks he deserves better anyway. That's not all he deserves, right ? He doesn't deserve false promises whispered on the pillow and dashed hopes only good to be thrown away, does he ?

— Lando ? Lando, what's going on ?

Max sits next to him and hugs him. His tears wet his comrade's shirt, he is mortified.

— Carlos ... Carlos, he ... played with me.

The Dutch kiss his forehead and gently strokes his back. Something in his attitude made him understand this very quickly.

— Did you know ?

— Yes. I overheard a conversation from Carlos on the phone. I wanted to tell you but I didn't find the right time.

He stands up. His breathing is heavy. He grabs his phone. He needs to talk to one of his best friends. Any of them. They will know how to find the right words, he is sure. His comrade puts a hand on his shoulder which he ignores.

— Hi ? Lando ? Why are you calling at this time ?

It takes all the energy in the world to hold back his sobs.

— What's wrong, Dodo ? Did someone hurt you ?

Through his bursts, he has trouble explaining the situation. Max seems to have disappeared behind his back.

— I'm sorry, Lando.

Alex really looks like it.

— Why ?

— It was our idea to sign you up. If we didn't force you to go ...

— No !

He arches his gaze to the sky, biting his lip, looking for a way to calm himself down. Any of way.

— No ... I had a good time coming here. Very good times. To tell the truth, everything was perfect. Too perfect. If this lie didn't exist, I almost ... almost thought I could be happy. Finally.

— Lando ... do you know you deserve it ? You deserve to be happy.

— I dont know, I dont know anymore. I just ... I can't believe it. It feels all wrong, it feels useless.

Two weeks. Only two weeks to go.

Would it be better to give up or keep this cover ? 

A miserable smile takes place on his lips. He can play ... during the day. He said it earlier with Max, right ? They can play. It's their speciality after that, they're good players. He is a good player.


	14. kind of feelings

Carlos thought he was imagining it at first. That Lando was acting as usual, that he was seeing things. Then he realized that was not true. He realized that there was something really weird.

In a way, nothing seemed the same anymore and his mate looked broken. He quickly worries. He doesn't know what's going on.

During the day, everything seems almost normal. Because the Briton seems to be dealing with, as if playing with him, the absolutely perfect couple. The fans are thrilled. And as soon as the cameras go off, he becomes dull, dreary, absent again.

He gets up early. Leaves the sheets he shares with his boy who is snuggled up on the other side of the bed, closed in on himself, a sad situation that evokes that of every day. A coffee and he sits by the pool, listens to the sound of the water caressed by the wind.

If he makes the connection, his partner started to change after the party. But remembering it hurts his heart. He had found the younger one outside, disheveled hair and red swollen eyes, still watery, struggling to stop shaking.

_ — Lando ? Cariño ? What's wrong ? _

__

_ He approaches cautiously because at this moment his interlocutor seems so fragile to him, as if he could break at his simple touch. The latter takes a deep breath, doesn’t answer. _

__

_ — Tell me ? Do you know I’m worried ? _

__

_ His hand rests on the too cold neck of the student who shivers and emerges immediately, a pained look on his face. _

__

_ — I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just tired ... of it all. _

__

_ He approaches again and takes the hand of his comrade who doesn’t move away this time and kisses his knuckles in a gentle gesture. _

__

_ — Are we going back to the party or would you prefer to come home, corazón ? _

_ — No, no, we'll go back. It would be a shame to waste such a great opportunity, right ? _

__

_ And the ironic meaning of these words escapes him. But his sidekick keeps his hand in his as he enters the room. Did he miss something ? _

__

The silence. 

He can only hear when someone pushes open the bay window to come and sit next to him. Max.

— I was looking for you.

— Me, really ? Why ?

The youngest one lets out a long sigh. The wind seems to cool slightly and he shivers when it reaches his bare arms.

— Why did you agree to play the bashful lover at the start of the show ? And why with Lando more than anyone ?

— Did you hear everything ?

— You were not the only one to have been summoned by the staff.

The Dutchman sniffles contemptuously. He shakes his head, immersed in memories he never knows how to flow back.

— I didn't particularly want or need to participate.

_ It was boredom. Pure boredom. After all these tours, these moments, the climax of his career in a way. To be known all over the world and to be able to do almost whatever he wanted about it. _

_ And have most of his fortune stolen. To be obliged to reconstitute it by oneself. It annoyed him, of course. But he had expected it. A moment of weakness and his "relatives" had pounced on him to butcher him like crows on the lookout for prey. _

_ The assets continued to flow to him but it was a hell of a sum that had evaporated. It's up to him to wait to reconstitute it. Lead a life at the top, without taste or color, repeating the same actions. No one to make his heart beat, he gradually lost his passion. _

_ In the end, he went to Daniel's house, looking for inspiration and renewal. The Australian greeted him with a big smile and a warm hug as always. But then, time passed and he couldn't do it anymore. Living a meaningless life was beyond him. _

_ To feel alone most of the time, even when surrounded. Thinking of things that no one should think about. _

_ The show came at Dan's villa one day. New concept, not so new, a rivalry between several couples of men. The project quickly appealed to the oldest one who was looking for someone and it was also proposed to him, assumed bisexual. _

__

_ — Why not add a touch of flavor to this adventure ? You could participate with a bonus ? they proposed him. _

_ — That is to say ? _

_ — At the start of the game, you will have a target. This will be someone you have to seduce and with whom, if you finish and win at the end, both of you will receive the doubled sum. _

__

_ Doubled sum ? He would have enough to replenish his property. And at the same time, it bothered him a bit ... in the sense that he too would have liked to try to fall in love with someone. _

__

_ — And who will be the person ? Will you choose him ? _

_ — No. You will have the advantage and exclusivity of seeing the cast in preview. From here you can choose the person who will be your target. _

— You were able to choose before ?! But why Lando ? I don't understand.

He smiles softly. He could say a lot about it. He could talk about that day when he was on one of his clips, of which he was the director as often, and had fallen in his recommendations on a video of the Brit.

He could describe the affection which had come to him by consulting the events, the lives of the youngest; how he followed him throughout his career. A spark in the midst of a monotonous life.

Or, he could evoke the joy he felt at the sight of this boy's profit, the desire to know him taking precedence over his rational side.

But he doesn’t say any of that. He is silent, remains speechless because he thinks the Dutchman doesn’t have to know that.

— Whatever your reasons. Lando heard you. For your concern. You have no idea how much ...

His interlocutor takes a deep breath, his fist clenched so hard that his knuckles have turned white.

— How much you hurt him. Damn it. He didn't deserve this. He is fragile.

— I know.

— So talk to him, do something, anything, act !

And his worst fears that came true. Remembering the conversation of that fateful evening and Daniel who was so, so right once again.

_ — Why did you accept their proposal ? Why did you decide to play the game of seduction with Lando ? Do you really have no consideration ? _

_ — I don’t know. I can't really tell him the truth, can I ? He would not want to understand, he probably thinks that I am the chosen one of his heart, pobre chico. _

__

_ The Australian takes off his tie elegantly and opens his shirt slightly, appearing to be too hot in the stifling temperature of the night. He watches him, feeling overwhelmed. _

__

_ — And you, what do you think ? asks finally Daniel, after a moment of silence. _

_ — Me ? _

_ — Yes you. Your feelings for your “little one” ? _

__

_ He sighs. He was put with his back against the wall, looking for explanations he should have already known. _

__

_ — I think ... I love him. _

_ — It’s the most important. Be sincere with him, tell him everything. And everything will be for the best but you must not delay. _

__

_ His eyes dart at the dark horizon, where a few stars linger. He has often searched for answers in this heaven, without ever finding them. _

__

_ — You’re probably right. _


	15. shard of hope

> “ **There is a stranger that sleeps in my bed every night.**
> 
> **I call him stranger because I know nothing of him except lies.**
> 
> **There is a stranger that sleeps in my bed every night.**
> 
> **I want to call him that way because that way hurt less than giving him a name.**
> 
> **The name of the only boy who ever stole my heart.**
> 
> **The name of the only boy who ever broke it apart.** ”

Lando hardly feels alive. He was killed from within. His pain is such that he never thinks he can erase it. But he is young, oh of course he is young and will be able to erase it, but in the throes of despair he abandons himself. He has already shed too many tears.

The thought of seeing George and Alex again soon keeps him going. It will be over very soon. It will all be over. He will be able to forget this bad experience and keep only the positive points. Having met good people despite everything.

But before that …

He and Max asked to have a camera loaned to them. They will answer for themselves to their "fans". Without artifice, without unpleasant surprises. He arranges the angle to position it on the balcony, there is hardly anyone there. His set-up ready, he turns on the camera, settles down on an armchair.

— Small special video today since I will answer you. Without detour. Truly.

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm the lump that has formed in his throat. So complicated.

— Yes, I'm gay. And I don't think that's something I have to hide from. I think today, in 2020, people need to be more open and accept those who may be different. Has it ever been a crime for you to love ?

His gaze is lost for a moment outside, he thinks he sees movement in the living room.

— I am different. And I am not. If you don't like it, so be it. I’m not Youtuber for the money, I do it because I like it. And I never, ever want to be judged for my preferences because they are mine. Not yours.

His hands are shaking, he is less confident and his hands are sweaty. He wipes them on his jeans.

— I am surely not the most suitable person to teach you. I am nobody after all and being here has made it clear to me. I am not important enough when confronted with others. But ...

A gaze plunged into the lens of the camera, in search of his sensations, of a real catch. Something to care about. A cause.

— But if you listen to me then know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. You should always be proud of yourself, of who you are. Even if ... even if ... sometimes it is not easy.

Video ending. He doesn't have a lot of cuts to make, it's very short after all. He wants to be as natural as possible so, in the end, he hardly changes anything. By posting it, he feels his little bubble burst and anxiety overwhelms him again.

Lando tries to calm down. Really. He doesn't want anyone's attention when they're probably all having fun or chatting in the lobby. He doesn't want to disturb them. He has to manage himself.

These crises ... it's been a long time. Or he had few. And his best friends were there with him every time.

His vision blurs and his phone screen becomes unreadable. Heavy breathing. He falls to the ground and folds into himself, knees against his chest in a last desperate attempt.

Nothing prepared him for this. Be who you are, says the society before stabbing you in the back because you are different from the norm. Be sincere, say people before rejecting you because you are not like them, don't think like them, aren't formatted like them.

Constantly defend yourself. Exhausting. No more heart problems. Optional in a way. Except that unfortunately we do not control who we fall in love with. An eternal cycle.

His thoughts darken. And seem to gradually disappear. Erase oneself. He lacks air. Terribly.

Two hands rest on his shoulders as if to stabilize him, make him cling to reality and he has the terrible impression of not seeing anything, not being conscious.

— Listen to me. Hush. Listen to me. Here. Now you gonna follow what I tell you okay ?

His hand is moved and comes to rest flat against a chest.

— Do you feel my breath there ? Can you feel it ?

Through the haze of his head, he nods vaguely.

— Very good. Try to follow it. Breathe in and ... breathe out. Breathe in and ... breathe out.

Attempting to sync to someone else. Learn to breathe again. To be helped. Under his fingers, the body rises and his breathing follows it in turn before coming down again. Several times. One, two, three times ... calmly. Step by step. The black disappears and his vision stabilizes. Two strong arms are wrapped around him to hold him.

Carlos.

Realizing this, he has a jolt and the Spaniard, still believing him in his crisis, gently strokes his back in an attempt to soothe him.

And the worst part is that it works. It works on him, he feels his whole body sagging, he feels ... getting better.

They stay like that for a few moments. Silently. Like being afraid of the truth behind it. Or at least that's how he feels. Always. Complicated to gauge the feelings of others, to understand those, to know those.

— Corazón ...

He doesn't say anything, he is silent and slowly releases himself from the embrace. He doesn't know if he wants to hear it. It doesn't matter what the older one has to say. He can't take it anymore. He just wants it all to end. He wants to go back to when he didn't know anything about love yet. His heart beats in his chest.

He hates this feeling.

Hope.

This is what it is.


	16. a confession

— Lando, I have to talk to you okay ?

— Talk about what ?

His voice is shaking damn it. Lando cannot stabilize it. He is afraid. He might want to stop everything depending on what Carlos is telling him, he knows that. He played very well for a few days, pretended that everything was fine. But that was because he hadn't been faced with a real discussion.

— I don’t know if ...

The Spaniard's eyes are receding and he has, he notices, a quivering lower lip. 

A certain worry is born in him, he can’t help himself and puts a hand on his shoulder.

— I know what you heard, Lando. Probably the worst of my conversation with Daniel. I can't hide it from you, the reason I came here was because the producers demanded it.

His hand grips the fabric of his companion's shirt. The truth as he had heard it and it hurts even more when the words are aimed at him.

— But that's not all. I have to talk to you about it, in a better way.

The explanations seem to come out more easily than he would like. He feels bad. Twelve million times two. To reach his target, have him.

— I wanted you. I chose you Lando and it’s not by chance. I didn't want to make you suffer, I'm sorry, amor de mi vida. I know I should have been sincere but from what I imagined it never ended well.

He closes his eyes. He sure has been used in a certain way. He is lost. About himself, his well-being, what should he do ? What is the best ? He needs to know. More.

— Lanno, I-

— Tell me.

The older one stops abruptly, cut off from his tirade, and looks at him softly, without understanding.

He resumes after taking a deep breath :

— Why me ? I want to know.

Their eyes meet in a split second. He gets lost staring at this tender brown. The answer is slow in coming and he wonders for almost a moment if he is going to have it or not.

— Good, okay, chico. If you want. I'll tell you a bit about myself. Sit down, I'll take some of your time.

— Of my time ?

— It might be a bit long.

He nods. Carlos smiles absently and runs a hand through his hair, through his curls.

“ **I was not necessarily always happy in my life. You may think it's ungrateful, but it's surely what others call the life of an artist. When you are famous, known, adored by people, that does not necessarily mean that you are personally fulfilled.**

**I wasn't.**

**Of course, how to be when nothing was right ?**

**I was surrounded by unworthy relatives who only cared about my money. Apart from Daniel and a few rare others, I had no one.**

**No more family.**

**Confessing I was bisexual was not complicated. For me at least. The more I wanted to give a damn about the world and their opinions the more I seemed to give them importance against my will. Deadlock. A vicious circle.**

**I had already thought of ending it. Just because I was fed up with it all. Because I felt like no one cared enough about me.**

**I have reached peaks and peaks of boredom. My life made up of up and down, of curves. My passion was rubbing off and I was enjoying it less and less. What was music really for me ? A way to make a living ? A way to be surrounded ? A way to live ?**

**The house never filled up. Always cold and empty, inhospitable. I was so alone in it.**

**To have parties in excess, to forget everything, sobriety did not suit me and nothing filled this void.**

**And one day, it's cliché to say it like that, but I saw you.**

**I was in the process of arranging one of my videos with a certain bitterness. I was not satisfied. I saw one of your videos and clicked on it, silly but true. It had been a long time since the smile had come to me so easily.**

**I followed you from time to time. Because it was nice. You were carefree, sometimes seeming so unaware of the world around you. It felt good in a way. Too heavy an existence.**

**You accompanied me for a while. And when the producers came to offer me a contract, after having been stripped by those around me, with their idea, I wanted to say yes. They offered to choose from among the candidates. It was something I struggled with because I wanted to fall in love with it too. Have real issues.**

**And then I saw you, cariño.**

**I was not really rational. I could have chosen someone closer to my age, easier, but I only had eyes for you as soon as I saw you. I wanted so much to know you, to learn of your innocence and your ignorance, to be a part of it.**

**I wanted you.**

**Playing at the start was complicated but Daniel insisted that we be more strategic and wait and see how things would turn out. I was afraid to lose you. I was afraid you would learn the truth. I was afraid you wouldn't believe me.** ”

— And still today I'm afraid. Because I could lose you. You are so young and I would understand if you can't forgive me because I hurt you. And there are thousands of people around the world who might want you and make you happier. I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what to give you that could be enough ...

Lando looks up. It was long. There was a lot to take in. He's not even sure he understands it all the first time. Something is blocking him, it's difficult. He bites his lip. In front of him, Carlos bowed his head, as if awaiting a sentence.

It would be too easy, a voice whispers in his head. Way too easy to forgive everything like that. But ... but ... is it his ignorance speaking ? The fact that his heart is so inclined to these excuses ...?

— Give me a bit of time. Please. I think I need to ... think. It's a lot ?

— Oh, uh, yeah. I imagine so. Take all the time you need, corazón, don't rush for me.

Carlos gives him a shaky smile before turning his back on him and picking up his things to exit the room.


	17. what you call home

Something is wrong. Or rather, nothing is right in this scene. The proud, playful, full of life Carlos he once knew who goes away with hunched shoulders, his body trembling, defeatist. Like he thought ... thought he would never come back to him.

Lando's lip is almost bloody from biting it. His brain is spinning at full speed and he thinks, he thinks again and again. He hates himself for being so young, for lacking experience, for not knowing what to do.

He remembers those conversations about romance with his best friends elsewhere. Their idealism quickly mowed down by reality. Eternal romantics in a world where romanticism loses its meaning, becomes bland. Sign of a past life. Too many dreams.

He remembers all those conversations, sprawled out on the couch, a bowl of popcorn and a blanket over them as they watched any series and ended up stumbling upon that same inevitable topic of conversation again.

Sigh as you think of all those fairy tales that would never come true because it was more severe, more cruel. Because by dint of entangling your feet in a carpet of daydreams, you end up breaking your jaws. Badly on top of that.

His first experiences. Rather disappointing. Distracted teenage touches with too many hormones, kisses exchanged between two lessons, afraid that others will see and judge what is not their concern.

A few relationships, some not very serious, some that made him cry because the people were never the right ones. Have always blamed him for being one way or another. Long cold nights alone.

His career as a youtuber which attracted people around him, people who wanted to know him, maybe not for the right reasons. People who, until then, had no interest in him at all and suddenly decided he was worth it.

What can popularity do to people anyway ?

Even exes showed up. To hear from him, what a good joke. He learned that sometimes he had to be wary of others. Most of the time it was Alex and George who did it for him.

And the meeting with Max, the first more serious conversations. Their romance that was unlike anything else. Thinking of the perfect boy, bursting with laughter. They thought about happiness, they didn't care about anything else.

He can be blamed for that too. His carelessness.

Late night parties, outside of live, a few games where they weren't doing much. Just talk. The same age to the nearest two years. Telling each other what they have learned, what they had seen in the world so far and understanding each other, in a certain way.

They were looking for the person who would complete them. The person who would know how to accept them as they were, despite their many flaws, oh how many flaws they found about themselves during those nights!, and their moments of doubt.

“ **I think it's this youth that is both our strength and our weakness. This is what makes many envy us, curse us or warn us. Because we have glass hearts. But I still think that if we find the person we've been looking for all this time, the person who finally seems ready to follow us no matter where we go, that we shouldn't let them go. I believe it should be retained at all costs.** ”

Only words full of meaning, words too philosophical for a simple evening playing Fifa. But he kept them in his head. Memorized them in spite of himself and there, now, they come to mind all at once.

Lando has a choice to make. And maybe that's a bad thing, he never really knew what to do other than listen to his heart in this kind of situation. 

He runs after Carlos and embraces him from behind, preventing him from taking even a step further from him. He refuses all that.

— Lando ? I thought you needed time ...

— No. Don't go, please. It hurt so, so bad when I found out about it all but I can't bring myself to let you go like this. I fucking love you. I love you, Carlos. Tell me at least that's not a lie, that you haven't tampered with your feelings for me.

The Spaniard gently detaches his hands from his chest to turn around and face him. Tears started to bead in his eyes again, what a disgrace. He's so childish right now, he hates it ! However, the oldest one, far from having the same resentment than he does, tenderly embraces these drops of water; gesture that makes him flush.

— No, of course not, mi vida. I never would have done that. I was so happy to know you, you brought me so much. Nothing is more sincere than my feelings towards you. I know I lied to you but I love you. I love you, cariño, more than anything.

He plunges into his arms, kissing him fervently and tastes a strange salty flavor on his lips. That of his tears, of their tears. His mate wraps his arms around his waist, keeping him firmly against him. They would almost forget that they are in the middle of a hallway.

When they step back, they are panting. He is still against the firm torso of his handsome lover who looks at him with a love he never seems to have seen before. Was he too blind ?

— As far as you are concerned, I still haven't forgiven you. Still not. You hurt me.

— So why are you kissing me that way ?

— That’s what I was going to say !

He puffs up his cheeks, sulky at being interrupted in the middle of his explanations and Carlos laughs lightly, speeding up his heart rate.

— I'm counting on you to make you forgive for all this. But I don't want to be separated from you. I don't want to have to pretend I'm happy anymore ... I really want to be. And I would be with you.

— Corazón ... I know. I know, I'm sorry. I love you.

His partner kisses his cheek. Leads him by the hand to keep him by his side. It's almost relieving, he could cry, of happiness this time. Everything is fine. Finally.

He doesn't think he deserves this, he never thought he deserved it. In the arms of his companion, he finally finds a home.


	18. finish line

— Five ! Four ! Three ! Two ! One !

A sort of bell rings. A noise. The TV scrambles for a moment before finally displaying the result. Two months of competition to achieve this result. His eyes widen.

They arrived in the room two hours ago. Ready for the announcement. Their reactions which would be recorded live. Some make-up touch-ups. They arrange his curls, he almost has a certain respect for the person who succeeds in doing it.

Carlos by his side all the way has a brilliant look, his mouth covered with a kind of fairly light gloss. Their hands found each other.

— I'm afraid. I'm scared, he whispers.

— It doesn't matter. I don't care if we win, I got you.

Those words whispered in his ear makes him smile. A bit too much. Many. They have promises, so many promises that they were made in one night spent next to each other. A night full of sweetness when they had not yet bonded, they waited, knowing full well that it was not the right time. They can wait, that's fine.

He is impatient to proclaim his love for the other man and vice versa. They just spent time touching each other, kissing until their lips were swollen and red. He laughed a lot too. Carefree about the future. Maybe as he's always been described but suddenly he didn't care about the comments on his channel anymore.

Controversial articles about him and Max, hatred, dismay, this constant homophobia. He just cared about that brown gaze in his. Endless tenderness.

And they got on set when their names were announced. They are good last. It echoes his arrival on the show, where he was the last to be featured, almost shy of the expectations of others. Now confident because he has nothing to fear, nothing to lose. On the other side of the set, he meets Max's encouraging smile.

— You are the last couple to make their appearance, give us your impressions. Nervous ? Confident ? Impatient ?

— Well ...

They start at the same time before realizing it and laugh softly, the whole board seems to adhere to their fun. His Spaniard comes to kiss his cheek tenderly, the audience is still reacting.

There is this effect of crowd around them, of effervescence. He feels more than ever master of himself and master of the game they have entered. Too bad everything is already ending. He almost regrets not having taken enough advantage of it.

— It's a little unrealistic that it is already over, the two months went by quickly. And, at the same time, I can't wait to be a little alone with mi cariño and to meet those around him.

— It's certain, he nods. Personally, I think I will miss all the guys when this is over.

— Hm ? And I wouldn't you miss me ?

— I will see you every day !

In truth, they did not speak about it, of the continuation. But he suspects that they won't stay away from each other for long. He does not know if he will come to Madrid or if Carlos will follow him. One of the two will happen, that's for sure.

It is proof that they are well in the present. They don't need to project, they know, that's all. And it is such a relief. He doesn't need to say more.

The host smiles brievly before asking :

— What specifically will you miss from this show ? Any ideas in particular ?

— Well ...

He lets out a small laugh before letting himself think a little more. It's hard to put his ideas together. He was sure he had prepared his impressions before coming and they all seemed to have evaporated to leave him more uncertain, more sincere.

— It's been a good vacation. We did activities that taught us a lot about ourselves and that forged our bonds. These are the moments that will be missed. Romain's cuisine too ...

The Frenchman laughs, amused, not at all offended, the others exchange glances, the air rather to test this joke :

— I would be delighted to invite you all to eat at my place one day, that would be nice.

A wave of whispers all around. The presenter herself smiles, looking satisfied. The public does not seem to want to leave them either, seems to want to extend this show a little longer.

They have to come back to reality. Even if nothing will ever be the same again. Go back to his studies, for him.

— This year, we made the crazy bet of a program that was already trotting in our heads. End stereotypes, do something more current with different personalities. The culmination of a project that was particularly close to our hearts. I would like to thank you, gentlemen, for participating.

A thunderous applause resounded. He bends his head slightly. Carlos's arm slips over his shoulders so naturally, as if they've always done this.

— Without further ado, start the countdown !

The numbers scroll before his eyes, there, on the big screen prominently behind them. A sigh crosses his lips, he could hardly believe it honestly. Soon zero, soon the answer, soon the end.

There is a lot going through his mind as the number slowly fades away. He knows that whatever the result, the most important thing he won is Carlos' smile and his love. He knows he's lucky in the end.

And Carlos, so happy, knows very well that his big house in Madrid, so empty, will never make him feel alone again, that he will never fall back into this painful loop.

— And the winners are ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it just felt right to end it all here. And honestly, I'm glad I made it to the end of this translation, I hope you liked this story, I hope it accompagnied you a bit through those two weeks ... as the situation is varied all over the world.
> 
> Thanks for reading what I wrote, sincerely.
> 
> tumblr : laeana


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